Authenticity Abandoned
The Quest of Conscience
In our daily lives, the struggle to find authenticity is spreading. There are no apparent means to slow the spread.
Two years ago, I found myself assailed for pushing my grocery cart the wrong way down a one way aisle. To be fair to my assailant, I was doing this on purpose. I smiled at my assailant - already a crime enough - and nodded as I politely listened to the vast harms and crimes of which I was culpable. I politely thanked the assailant and carried on down the wrong way.
The interaction was not a loss though. I decided I was going to change my life. It was a simple change, but the “rules” made it difficult.
As I left the grocery store that day, I deeply inhaled the fresh, outside air, placed my sunglasses over my eyes, checked for traffic, and used my powerful legs to thrust my shopping cart forward as fast as it could go.
When my conveyance reached peak momentum - a reckless velocity if there ever was one - I brashly leaped onto it. The sun glowing on my face; The wind whisking my hair; The sounds of small wheels daring the rickety pavement was the soundtrack for this cavalier rider.
The first day, and every other day, of these irresponsible rides, with a beaming grin, I have attempted bold eye contact with the other shoppers entering or exiting the store. Most people look down and away. Very few smile back. In almost three years, I have been met by only two raucous roars of joy. The first was a high-five - it was just as majestic as it sounds. The second was by a tire-repair man, with a fabulous mustache, who howled across the parking lot, “That’s awesome, man!” We meet two free souls in an unfree world.
I’ve wondered what the source of this malaise in most of the shoppers is. Maybe it’s the mortgage, the spouse, the job, the bills. Maybe it’s the inflation, the politics, the world going bad, everyone is after you. Maybe it’s a lack of pleasant hobbies or friends. Maybe it’s nothing at all. Maybe it’s a nothing so vast its nothingness is the terminus.
Basic daily interactions all now seem to carry this burgeoning feeling of underlying malaise. Simple pleasantries can instigate a fight. Minding your own business can foment a battle. Once the battle commences, only unconditional surrender or utter destruction are allowed outcomes.
There is the problem. The battle itself is not authentic, even if it comes from authentically held beliefs. In that sense, “rules” are a great way to mis-align an individual’s core values against their actions. If a person acts in a way that violates their conscience, guilt and negative feelings are the consequence.
Unhappy people are disagreeable and miserable. To experience this phenomenon, hit yourself on the thumb with a hammer. Afterwards, evaluate your compassion for other humans at that moment. Writhing in agony makes one very selfish.
My one-way grocery lane assailant can easily be deconstructed this way. The person’s own self-concept may be that of a conscientious citizen. They are obviously not a bad person, they have compassion for their fellow citizens, and they abide by the rule of law and other societal norms. But then their self-concept is challenged, first by a story changing the definition of what mentality is good, and then by non-sensical rituals.
A deep, and hidden part of this person knows that the rituals are non-sensical and these new ideas are in contradiction to what they thought a day before, but it is deep, and it is hidden. In this state of being, it is far easier to lash out in anger at others just as if they had smashed their thumb with a hammer. To do otherwise requires profound levels of introspection, and after that, even more work to find a new path, an authentic path.
I know. I was this person once.